Going through a separation or divorce is one of the most significant life events you can encounter. It can be a period of uncertainty and confusion, where everything you once knew has been uprooted, and you’re left to navigate a new world on your own. It shakes you and the life plan you were working to completely off course. For some, the separation is a welcome relief from a place that feels uncomfortable, un-nourished and unfulfilled. For others, the separation was not your idea, and you’re grappling with coming to terms with deviating away from your plan A.
You are both grieving the loss of a dream, the family unit you had envisioned delivering for your children, and the identity that you have carefully crafted for yourself around the roles you play, the relationship you were in, the expectations placed on you, and sometimes, the masks you had to wear.
However, you find yourself here…this may not be your first choice, but it can become the better choice.
You don’t know it yet, and it probably doesn’t feel like it, but this…this moment right here is a gift.
This is the start of your evolution.
The start of your new life.
The start of your becoming.
Your invitation to grow into the person and parent you aspire to be.
So much beauty will come as you grow through these challenges.
Eventually, you will look back and you will not even recognise who you were before.
What you put up with? How life changed you into someone removed from who and where you wanted to be?
You will look up and see a new normal and a new you. And not just normal…but better than ever!
So where to start?
The best advice we can give you is to take a breath…slow it down…take some time to reflect on who you are and what you want from life. Rediscover yourself, explore your passions, your values, and your aspirations, and create a life that aligns with your truest desires.
Here are 5 steps to help you establish new goals for yourself as you move forward from your separation and rediscover your identity, what you want from life and the direction you want to head in as you rebuild your next chapter of life.
You know that saying you have to ‘feel it to heal it’.
That is never truer than where you are right now.
There will be many times in the days and months ahead when you’ll feel deep emotional pain. You will ride a rollercoaster of emotions, challenges and pain, whether it be overwhelm, hopelessness, loneliness, anger, sadness, vengefulness, regret, resentment, grief, panic, anxiety or blame.
Sometimes, they will sneak up on you one at a time and sometimes, it will be like being smacked in the face with ALL the feelings ALL at once.
This is ok. This is perfectly normal.
You don’t have to keep them hidden. While pushing them down might be ok in the moment, it doesn’t lead to great things in the long-term. It doesn’t lead to that sweet spot where you can breathe again, or lay in bed at night and feel calm, at peace.
As you steady yourself, you will learn that the only way forward…to healing, to breathing again, to quietening the panic that lives inside you now, is to embrace your pain and your feelings.
Give yourself permission to feel your pain and feelings.
Give yourself permission to make space for them – to ride the wave. How is your body responding? Take slow breaths as you move through it.
Own what you’re feeling.
And when you make that decision to embrace your pain and feelings, you will gain so much power…the power of your inner knowing.
During a separation, it’s common to feel lost and unsure of where to begin. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important to you! To be pulled in a direction determined by the process, what you or others expect or think, and to be caught in a cycle of reactivity, where you’re just reacting to what’s happening around you.
If this sounds like you, hit the PAUSE button.
Reactivity and doing life based on other’s expectations is not the goal. We want to empower you to think about what truly matters to you so you can become the architect of your life.
How do you want to experience joy, excitement and happiness?
What’s important for you in this next chapter of your life and why?
What do you want to let go of?
What do you want to make more space for?
Life is different now and you get to decide what comes next for you and your children.
Now let me give you a moment to let that sink in…YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT COMES NEXT!
When you get clear on your priorities, you’ll have a clearer understanding of what you want to be working towards and what steps you need to take to get there.
Imagine this. You’re about to embark on a journey to someplace you’ve never been before.
Whether you’re using an old-fashioned roadmap, googling directions, or putting the address into your GPS; the first question you’re asked is what’s your starting point. The second question is…what’s your destination?
That makes sense, right.
Before you can go anywhere, you have to start from somewhere and know where you’re headed.
Knowing where you are, how you plan to travel, the road conditions and what you need for the trip are key to the success of your journey.
Yet, how many times do you make that same kind of assessment before you move forward to achieve your goals, realise your dreams or redesign your life?
Embrace the opportunity to take some time to imagine what your future could look like. Envision what you want to achieve, how you want to feel, who you are, and what steps you need to take to get there.
When you have a clear vision of the future you want to create, you’ll be energised to do the inner work to rediscover who you are and who you need to become to bring the future you’re envisioning into reality.
We are now going to spend some time uncovering what it is you want from your life in this next chapter.
Let’s focus on working out what your dream life looks like and how you can build that life for yourself and family.
The best goal-setting tip I can share with you (and I know this because this approach has changed my life) is that you have to set inspired goals. Inspired goals align your thoughts, values, and beliefs with your purpose. Essentially, this means that the more you understand your goal, how it makes you feel, think or believe, the more likely it is that you will achieve it.
The first step in setting inspired goals is asking yourself better questions.
What lights you up?
How do you want to feel each day?
What kind of work are you doing?
What do you do for fun or to energise yourself?
What do your relationships look and feel like?
How are you showing up in this world?
What do you want to achieve in this next chapter of your life?
As you contemplate these questions, think about how you are feeling, how you want to feel and who you want to be.
As inspired goals are focused on the BEING rather than the DOING, this means you will be designing the life you want to create, while also uncovering you who want to BE and what you need to DO to HAVE a life that you LOVE and are excited to live as your most connected and truest self.
Redesigning your life and setting new goals can be overwhelming, but remember, every journey starts with a single step.
Now that you’re clear on the life you want to build and how you want to feel, it’s time to look at the actions you’re going to take to achieve those results.
Start with small, achievable actions that will help you build momentum. Look for one-time actions that can move the needle immensely in the direction you want to head.
This can be something as simple as getting up and going for a walk every day, signing up for a financial education program, booking in a trip, or setting your alarm for 5am instead of 6am so you have some quiet time to yourself in the morning. These one-time actions are about building new habits that support your goals and lean into the new patterns and beliefs that you’re establishing as you step into your expanded, true self.
By accomplishing these small goals, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment that will motivate you to keep making decisions that set you on the path toward having the confidence to be who you really are at your core and to turn your dream life into reality.
You have the potential and opportunity to create and live a beautiful life…one filled with joy, meaningful relationships and a strong sense of self!
I want to leave you with these thoughts…
Redesigning your life is a true work in progress. You are setting goals that are directed at creating your dream life, you are embarking on a journey. And during that journey, you’re going to learn about yourself, you’re going to grow and you’re going to change.
So it’s normal for your goals to change. You might create new and inspiring goals as you step more into your expanded self, and sometimes, you might abandon goals because that might not be where you want to put your energy. And you know what that’s okay because that’s part of the journey.
We invite you to embrace this opportunity for self-discovery, to embrace the possibility of a new chapter filled with personal growth, and to discover the person you are destined to become.
At Bespoke Family Lawyers, we’re committed to supporting you along all aspects of your separation journey.
Amy offers life and separation coaching to guide you on a transformative journey to unpack what’s no longer serving you, to take off the heaviness of your past experiences, to explore who you are at your core and how you want to feel and live in this next chapter of your life. If you’re feeling called to grow and expand as you move forward into your next chapter, then reach out to Amy to get 1:1 personalised guidance to create your Next Chapter Plan.
Let’s set you on the path to a new future and the power and confidence to step into your most truest self!
If you’re unsure if the Next Chapter Plan is for you, book in a free 15 minute clarifying call.
***Disclaimer***
This article is for general information purposes only and does not constitute legal advice or any other professional advice.
We are here to guide you out of the uncertainty of separation to financial certainty and freedom, to clear arrangements for your children and to the power and confidence you need to rebuild your life.
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