I find the term “pursuit of happiness” to be a bit naff as it gives some impression that you will never be happy, you will constantly be pursuing something/anything that will make you happy. So when writing this article, I thought, ‘have I fallen into the same trap by talking about becoming your best self?’ I ummed and aahed and finally settled on a “no” because what I am talking about is an evolution of who you were, who you are and who you want to be. There is no time in life when you are reflecting more on this than when you are going through a separation or divorce. Why?
As you are ending a relationship or going through a separation, you spend a heck of a lot of time in your head thinking about what you could have done differently and you think about all of your coulda, shoulda, woulda’s. It’s confronting, it hurts and it usually leads to contemplating how your life got here…
It’s okay to feel a bit lost.
It’s okay to be confused and overwhelmed.
It’s okay that you don’t know where you are going.
As you sit here with your pain, your hurt and your disappointment – I want you to think about one thing…”I can recover, rebuild and move forward”. Actually, I want you to repeat this to yourself daily as a chant. Crazy I know, but this will give you the steam you need to keep pushing forward.
Now…for the next part of your journey. Here are our 8 stepping stones on your path to becoming your best self after separation and divorce as you adjust to your new normal.
Is it time for a career change? Are you re-entering the workforce? What are your passions and dreams? Should you return to studying? How can you achieve your dreams and the life you want? Envision the future you want for yourself and for your children, then make everyday about making your dreams a reality.
TIP: Write down your goals – short-term and long-term. After this, make a plan of action for what you can do each day or week to work towards these goals. Set aside time to reflect and review your goals, and remind yourself of the big picture.
Like the saying goes, ‘Do something every day that scares you.’ Learn to thrive in discomfort. Let your fear guide you to seek out experiences that will help you grow and discover your potential.
REMINDER: It’s ok if you don’t feel ready yet to try something new and introduce more changes. Start small and do something completely new for you. It could be a fresh hairstyle, or a change to your daily routine like introducing 5 minutes of mediation.
Keeping your feelings bottled up inside to avoid acknowledging them will only have negative impacts and will inevitably explode and erupt at the wrong time or in the most unproductive way. Let yourself cry it out and feel the pain of your grief after separation and divorce. Lighten the load and seek out a trusted friend who will listen and be a shoulder to cry on…and give you the space to talk and feel heard.
Surround yourself with people who support your goals and dreams. Leave behind negative vibes and don’t feel afraid to remove people from your social circles who aren’t supporting you to be your best self.
As well as this, in tough times it pays to have a friend who understands. You might consider joining a divorce support group where you can connect with others who might better understand what you’re going through. It’s likely they will be going through similar situations, can be a support system to reach out to in tough times, and you can check-in with each other on your journeys.
Decide on who you want to be. Ask yourself, ‘Is my current mindset putting me on the path to be the person I want to be?’
Do you need to change old patterns of thinking?
If yes, then doing some work to shift your mindset to realise the power you have within you will help you to believe in yourself. One of my personal favourites is “I am the only one who can determine my self-worth and I am worthy of living the life of my dreams.”
During a relationship, we sometimes lose ourselves and forget about what we want – especially when we are busy with kids and keeping all the balls in the air. As the kids spend more time with the other parent, you will have time to yourself that you haven’t had in years. I won’t lie…there will be times when you feel lonely and are struggling to know what to do with yourself. If you give into this, you will come to dread the time your kids are away from you and this will make it harder for you and harder for your kids.
So…get comfortable with your own company again. Take 10 minutes out of your day to do something for yourself. Practice mindfulness with yoga and breathing exercises, take a walk, read a book, listen to a motivational podcast on your drives, make yourself your favourite cup of tea and enjoy the time you have. Embrace the spare time to put into your recovery and self-discovery.
This is a hard one, but very important. Practice forgiveness. You will rarely get the apology or acknowledgement you want from your Ex and as much as you want it and need it, you may have to make peace with not getting it. You will get to a point when you have to make a conscious decision to let go. The best way to get there is by forgiving yourself, your Ex and letting go of the past. As you wade through these feelings and make your way to forgiveness, you will free yourself from some of the pain and feel lighter.
You can’t change what’s happened BUT you can choose to heal and move forward.
It won’t happen overnight. There will be ups and downs on your journey to becoming your best self. Don’t give up. When times get tough, seek out support and remind yourself of the big picture, the life you imagine for yourself, and how far you have come already!
If you are seeking support and guidance navigating your family law matter, please feel free to reach out to us and book a free 30-minute CLARITY CALL.
***Disclaimer***
This article is for general information purposes only and does not constitute legal advice or any other professional advice.
We are here to guide you out of the uncertainty of separation to financial certainty and freedom, to clear arrangements for your children and to the power and confidence you need to rebuild your life.
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